failure comes in plus sizes
“Enemies, as well as lovers, come to resemble each other over a period of time.” by Sydney Harris.
When you’ve seen your share of human accidents…you tend to wear your seatbelt.
“Enemies, as we…
Category Archives: humor’s bucket list
Doggin is Swingin is Bi-curious is what?
Home Is Where the Hate Is (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Things I don’t understand…
Poster for the film Swingers (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
What is a swinger called a swinger?
Back in the old, old, old days…swingers were found at swing clubs…Good to know. These coupled persons agreed that sex was sex was sex and continued on swinging from protruding limb to protruding limb.
Swingers are out however Dogging is in. Now you have Swingers taking their sexual triumphs out of the secluded private bedroom and onto the street. Dogging is a form of out in the open for the world at large to see, public displays of sex.
Swingers are generally heterosexual! But from the looks of things…they are willing to walk a long and sexual mile to give a stranger a smile.
Of note, men called Paul and women called Catherine are the people most likely to swap sexual partners, a poll suggests. Good to note. My sister’s middle name is Catherine…I wonder if that has any deeper meaning than the obvious.
Is there really such a thing as bi-curious?
The term bi-curious implies that the individual has either no or limited homosexual experience in the case of “heterosexual” individuals or no or limited heterosexual experience in the case of “homosexuals”, but may continue to self-identify as bi-curious if they do not feel they have adequately explored these feelings.
This seems like a bunch of bullshit to me. However, I feel better knowing the term is being phased out by the young adults of this god forsaken land.
We are no longer to refer to someone as ‘oh, that’s just Paul…he’s no longer a swinger or a dogger…he’s bi-curious!’
If we are as politically correct as mandated by the laws of social media; proper identification is required. So yet a new and improved term from a not so new and improved generation:
‘Paul…no, he’s not gay or bi-curious or a swinger or a dogger. He is heteroflexible.’
Again, sounds silly. And, heterosexual sounds like a very difficult yoga position.
What is a lesbian tendency?
Lesbian tendency? WTF? I never understood this.
I have a tendency for the following:
1. Using my right hand while I give someone the bird.
2. Chewing my tongue when I concentrate
3. Walking the dog when he has to go the bathroom
Tendency in its true definition means to lean towards one particular characteristic. Wouldn’t Lesbians and their tendency…just qualify as, Lesbian?
Again, strange and hard to figure out these fascinating labels and terms of injustice.
New and Avant-garde term for a woman with lesbian tendencies-
She is a twatter!!!
…Really, you don’t say?
For that matter, what truly defines, A-sexual?
Finally, we get to the clincher. The most absurd and abstract and abnormally fun term I have ever heard. And, still one I don’t quite grasp with my blonde TENDENCIES!
Asexuality is a sexual orientation that describes individuals who do not experience sexual attraction towards the opposite sex.
This new old not sexual but really is, term, has somehow made reappearance this century due to online chat rooms, online communities and blogs.
After exhaustive research, I’ve come to realize what I kind of knew all along. Those persons suspected of being A-Sexual take themselves far too seriously and need to get laid!
***Food for thought…why does Windows continue to upgrade on my computer. I don’t want it to. I postpone the joy as much as I can. Yet, it eventually happens. Possibly a conspiracy?
Laugh while You’re Bleeding
So it is true that the human condition…which indeed should be a plural for we have many maintained by mayhem and maladies maladjusted disorders.
We all want things we can’t have.
Young wish to grow older. The older wish to be younger. Those who are shy wish to indulge just once. Those who are jaded continue to yearn for their innocence back.
A question to pose?
If you do not try something at least once…how is it that you know it is something you do not want?
I knew I was gay from the get go. As soon as my dreams filled with Wonder Woman and I aspired to be a Charlie’s Angel…or at least, bed one down, the curtain had gone down on any lingering thoughts of heterosexuality.
Yet, try as I may, I endured several heterosexual relationships. Mostly due to the fact that the only good drug dealers around happened to be men…other than one very hair woman with sideburns named Fay.
I batted for the other team and came up with many men scratching their heads and striking out. But I tried!
So, now I know, this is really not what I want. I prefer an INSY not an OUTSY.
I lived, I learned, I listened and I went after something I didn’t have.
Some call it shameful. Many believe it to distort my truth. However, the most honest people I know have given their unanswered questions a go around. And, learned we all deserve to take the chances we see.
She can kill with a smile
She can wound with her eyes
She can ruin your faith with her casual lies
And she only reveals what she wants you to see
She hides like a child
But she’s always a woman to me
She can lead you to love
She can take you or leave you
She can ask for the truth
But she’ll never believe
And she’ll take what you give her as long as it’s free
Yeah, she steals like a thief
But she’s always a woman to me
[Chorus:]
Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind
She will promise you more
Than the Garden of Eden
Then she’ll carelessly cut you
And laugh while you’re bleedin’
But she’ll bring out the best
And the worst you can be
Blame it all on yourself
Cause she’s always a woman to me
life only hurts when you land not when you fall
Oh, she takes care of herself
She can wait if she wants
She’s ahead of her time
Oh, and she never gives out
And she never gives in
She just changes her mind
She is frequently kind
And she’s suddenly cruel
She can do as she pleases
She’s nobody’s fool
But she can’t be convicted
She’s earned her degree
And the most she will do
Is throw shadows at you
But she’s always a woman to me
the Princess and the Lesbian
Cover of Still Life With Woodpecker, echoing the design of the Camel cigarette packet (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
Conversation between a lesbian Lioness and a misguided by bad karma waif…current day:
Lioness:
You do not love me. You do not know what pain is! I cannot sit idly and watch as your sponge like inertia fills with society’s ideas of right or wrong!
Waif:
Duh! What does that mean…I have to stop and Google every time we argue. Just tell me…will you leave the other for me?
Lioness:
How and why would I take part of my soul…the deepest part and turn it into a fashionable date for you?
Waif:
Enough already…I’ll just go and be by myself. That’s how it was meant to be. Maybe I could volunteer to rake all the waste from the earth for VISTA!
Conversation between a princess and an outlaw:
“If I stand for fairy-tale balls and dragon bait–dragon bait–what do you stand for?”
“Me? I stand for uncertainty, insecurity, bad taste, fun, and things that go boom in the night.”
“Franky, it seems to me that you’ve turned yourself into a stereotype.”
“You may be right. I don’t care. As any car freak will tell you, the old models are the most beautiful, even if they aren’t the most efficient. People who sacrifice beauty for efficiency get what they deserve.”
“Well, you may get off on being a beautiful stereotype, regardless of the social consequences, but my conscience won’t allow it.”
“And I goddamn refuse to be dragon bait. I’m as capable of rescuing you as you are of rescuing me.”
“I’m an outlaw, not a hero. I never intended to rescue you. We’re our own dragons as well as our own heroes, and we have to rescue ourselves from ourselves.”
― Tom Robbins, Still Life with Woodpecker
There is never any use in putting out a helping hand when the help wanted sign has been taken down!
Ambien/Annie the C., Gracie Williams Freebush
nothing like an undisciplined and untamed animal
It’s a Jungle Out There
Have a very fruitful day
What next? Should we put a child proof cap on life? In a matter of just one hour this is what the world brought me:
A caution stamp on my coffee cup.
A do not remove tag on my pillow of comfort.
Please dispose of feminine objects in the receptacle provided.
A shield of woe across my razor.
Cotton pickin’ balls all through my medicine cabinet.
Cigarettes cause cancer etched in the palm of my hand.
Warning this drink has been know to cause obesity amongst most Americans.
Leaflets galore amongst the pills so few…may cause depression, diabetes, blindness and death.
If you need an injury lawyer, blah, blah, blah, between the morning forecost of global warming and tips on how to communicate with your spouse.
Sense when did we become so founded in dumbness that walking the dog can cause severe allergic reactions to life?
it’s a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning
… human beings are flawed individuals. The cosmic bakers
took us out of the oven a little too early. And that’s the
reason we’re as crazy as we are and I believe it.”
“Take for example when you go to the movies these days, you know.
They try to sell you this jumbo drink, 8 extra ounces of watered
down cherry coke for an extra 25 cents. I don’t want it.
I don’t want that much organization in my life.
I don’t want other people thinking for me.
I want my Junior Mints. Where did the Junior Mints go in the
movies. I don’t want a 12 lb. Nestle‘s crunch for 25 dollars. I
want Junior Mints.”
“We need more fruitcakes in this world and less bakers!
We need people that care! I’m mad as hell! And I don’t want to
take it anymore!”
Chorus:
Fruitcakes in the kitchen
Fruitcakes on the street
Struttin’ naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week
Half-baked cookies in the oven
Half-baked people on the bus
There’s a little bit of fruitcake left in everyone of us
Paradise, lost and found
Paradise, take a look around
I was out in California where I hear they have it all
They got riots, fires, mud slides
They’ve got sushi in the mall
Water bars, brontosaurs, chinese modern lust
Shake and bake life with the quake
The secret’s in the crust
“Speakin’ of fruitcakes, how ’bout the government?
Your tax dollars at work.”
We lost our Martian rocket ship
The high paid spokesman said
Looks like that silly rocket ship
Has lost its cone shaped head
We spent 90 jillion dollars trying to get a look at Mars
I hear universal laughter ringing out among the stars
“Religion! Religion! Oh, there’s a thin line between Saturday
night and Sunday morning. Here we go now.
Alright, altar boys.”
Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa
Mea Culpa Mea Culpa Mea Maxima Culpa
Where’s the church, who took the steeple
Religion is in the hands of some crazy-ass people
Television preachers with bad hair and dimples
The god’s honest truth is it’s not that simple
It’s the Buddhist in you, it’s the Pagan in me
It’s the Muslim in him, she’s Catholic ain’t she?
It’s the born again look its the WASP and the Jew
Tell me what’s goin on, I ain’t gotta clue
“Now here comes the big ones. Relationships! We all got ‘em, we
all want ‘em. What do we do with ‘em?
Here we go, I’ll tell ya.”
She said you gotta do your fair share
Now cough up half the rent
I treat my body like a temple
You treat yours like a tent
But the right word at the right time
May get me a little hug
That’s the difference between lightning
And a harmless lightnin’ bug
“The future. Captain’s log, stardate two thousand and something.”
We’re seven years from the millenium
That’s a science fiction fact
Stanley Kubrick and his buddy HAL
Now don’t look that abstract
So I’ll put on my Bob Marley tape
And practice what I preach
Get Jah lost in the reggae mon
As I walk along the beach
Stay in touch with my insanity really is the only way
Its a jungle out there kiddies
Have a very fruitful day
